A group of women including Jane Fonda, Rosie Perez and Calista Flockhart want to change Valentine’s Day to V-Day. The V stands for Violence Against Women. One of the prime movers in this growing campaign is the author of a play called “The Vagina Monologues.” At her prompting, the V also stands for Vagina. (We are not making this up. See www.vday.org.)
Since the V-Day campaign is trying to replace Valentine hearts with vaginas, a group of twenty-four men and women around the world held a contest to see who could come up with the best parody of the Wizard of Oz Tin Man’s Song “If I Only Had a Heart.” The entries are entitled “If I Only Had a V.” The idea is to describe how a man’s life might be happier if he only had a vagina.
“If I Only Had a V”
by Will Hageman of Saint Paul, Minnesota
As a man, I have the power
The priv’lege, and the dollars
Or so they say to me.
But the proof now is certain
I would be a better person
If I only had a V.
I’d be kinder, I’d be gentler,
I’d live in peace with nature
I wouldn’t harm a flea.
If my spouse I’ve been hittin'
I could say that I’m the victim
If I only had a V.
With a V, then I would be
Oppressed as one can be
I would fight to free us all
After I shop
At the mall.
I could seek my independence,
Ask for spousal maint’nance,
And get my lunch for free.
I could be all I can be
But I’d never be a draftee
If I only had a V.
You can also read the entries that won 2nd and 3rd place in the contest.