“If I Only Had a V.”

2nd Place winner W. Kelly of El Cajon, California When a man pulls down his zipper He should be proud and chipper, Not sad and blue like me. It’s because I get tearful Thinking life would be more cheerful If I only had a V. I’d be stubborn, I’d be lazy And generally half crazy, But totally blame free. I would never pay when dating, I would sit while urinating, If I only had a V. Picture me... a shopping spree... Above a voice saying That jerk at work is paying. If he gets sore Spend more! Just to run the victim play, When I don’t get my way, Would fill my heart with glee. I would kick some poor guy’s tail, And then have him thrown in jail, If I only had a V.

3rd Place winner Weldon B. Cabaniss III of San Antonio, Texas (want to hear an .mp3 recording of Weldon performing his song?) Lately, I’ve been contemplating, The pros and cons of dating, What is, and shouldn’t be. In my mind, a thought's been brewing, Just how easy I’d be doing, If I only had a V. As a man, I have my member, But I just can’t remember, When dinner dates were free. And now, I’ve just accepted, I might have a new perspective, If I only had a V. I would not be called a gawker, Could not be called a stalker. And that’s just fine with me. I could be so flirtatious, Everyone would be so gracious, If I only had a V. > Oh, I might “like” to shop! > You know, I never have before. > At the mall I’d stroll through each and every store. > And never know what, > I’m shopping for. And, when I’m not doing my best, I’d blame it on “PMS’, You’d have to pardon me. Everyone would find it useless, Not to accept my excuses, If I only had a V. > Oh, I could fantasize, > How I’ve been so oppressed. > How it’s so unfair, my whole life’s such a mess, > And then I’d go out... and buy a dress. I’d complain all men are brutal, How fighting them is futile, But really don’t you see. I’d ignore all the cat calls, Know I have them all by the balls, If I only had a V. I’d say, “A Penis? Who needs it?” I wouldn’t have to beat it. I’d know that springs eternal, I’m giving up the urinal! Cause there’d be nothing finer, Than to talk about my Vagina... If I only had a V.