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 This song was an entry in a contest satirizing the effort of some feminists to convert Valentine’s Day into V-Day. They want the V to stand for Violence (against women only, of course) and VAGINAS (we are not making this up). RulyMob.com thought it would be fun to see who could come up with the best parody of the Wizard of Oz Tin Man’s song “If I Only Had a Heart” to describe how a man’s life might be happier if he only had a vagina.

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If_I_only_had_a_V.mp3
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Lyrics Copyright 2003 Weldon B.Cabaniss III
(see lyrics below)

Weldon B. Cabaniss III
San Antonio, Texas

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Lately, I’ve been contemplating,
The pros and cons of dating,
What is, and shouldn’t be.
In my mind, a thoughts been brewing,
Just how easy I’d be doing,
If I only had a V.

As a man, I have my member,
But I just can’t remember,
When dinner dates were free.
And now, I’ve just accepted,
I might have a new perspective,
If I only had a V.

I would not be called a gawker,
Could not be called a stalker.
And that’s just fine with me.
I could be so flirtatious,
Everyone would be so gracious,
If I only had a V.

> Oh I, might “like” to shop!
> You know, I never have before.
> At the mall I’d stroll through each and every store.
> And never know what,
> I’m shopping for.

And, when I’m not doing my best,
I’d blame it on “PMS”,
You’d have to pardon me.
Everyone would find it useless,
Not to accept my excuses,
If I only had a V.

> Oh I, could fantasize,
> How I’ve been so oppressed.
> How it’s so unfair, my whole life’s such a mess,
> And then I’d go out.... and buy a dress.

I’d complain all men are brutal,
How fighting them is futile,
But really don’t you see.
I’d ignore all the cat calls,
Know, I have them all by the balls,
If I only had a V.

I’d say, “A Penis? Who needs it?”
I wouldn’t have to beat it.

I’d know that springs eternal,
I’m giving up the urinal!

Cause there’d be nothing finer,
Than to talk about my Vagina....
If I only had a V.
If I only had a V.
If I only had a V.